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im azimah. im fifteen. im not really anything at all, but i try my best to get up and go. okay and this blog's pretty depressing. articulate links Myspace Multiply Ajie Berg Elmmy♥ Farhan Fhamy Hanes Julz Mondre Naem Nerd Raudhah Ryemie Sakina Sofie backtrack March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 |
Saturday, May 30, 2009
3:01 PM Dear You, i wish i told you what i needed to tell you. maybe i shouldnt have left the post where i needed to tell you things full of underscores for you to "fill in the blanks". maybe i should have told you everything the night you fell asleep on my lap. i will miss you. we knew this would happen eventually anyway. you know you cant give me what i need. i dont even know if you know this is for you and if you even read this blog anymore. i hope you read this last one im ever going to type about you. i havent typed about you for a really long time. but im not going to keep going on and on cause its pointless, plus whatever i have to say about you, ive written it in your birthday letter. i still hope you will open it on your birthday, no earlier. til next time, takecare of my hippo. Yours sincerely, the girl who used to have fish powers. --  yesterday elmmy and i wanted to go to marina barriage but we missed the last bus to there. it was because of the parent teacher meeting (which went surprisingly well despite my icky results). we ate at lau pa sat and walked around clarke quay and city hall until our feet hurt. on the way home i had to meet my brothers so he didnt get to send me home, im sorry love. sat with my brothers and their friends and macdonalds and then went home with my eldest brother on his bike. i fell asleep while texting elmmy like again, im sorry!!! cant wait to see you again raccooooooooooooooonnnn~ ♥ TOP OF PAGE
Thursday, May 28, 2009
9:22 PM Elmmy thinks he looks like a hamster. I dont think so. He looks like this.A raccoon. How cute. The dark circles and fuzziness and ok not fuzziness but maybe he stands like this. Oooh~ Oh nose i want to go for a holiday cause everyone else is going and i feel left out, how sad. Or at least go to sentosa cause i haven't been there for a long time. But before going to sentosa i would have to buy stuff because im in need of a lot of stuff. Sighhh and im pretty broke ): Job during the holidays? Urggggggggggghhhhhhh. Plus im gonna have to study alot on my own cause i really have to buck up. Fuck, this holiday is going to suck. Suck the fucking life and living daylights out of me whatever that meant! Ok zimah dont get pissed control control. My mum was told to remove my weighing machine from my room and hide it from me. I was told to stop thinking too much and try to calm down and just breathe and not lose my temper so easily. I hate the psychiatrist. I have no idea what else to type about cause all i can think about is the raccoon and how its staring at me now ahhh helpppp!!!! -.- TOP OF PAGE
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
2:44 PM  I dont feel a thing, actually. Maybe im just jaded. I have done okay in my Mid Years. Not, perhaps, as well as i should have, but certainly not as bad as i thought it would be. Everything is going the other way round. To think about it, i havent had control over situations for a long time. Shit. My body has a mind of its own. Maybe im pushing myself too much. Im only human, i cant do all the things on my to-do list all at once. Im not perfect. Im irresponsible and impulsive and ignorant and so many other words could define my imperfection. Like the many words that couldnt. How did i get here anyway? But theres no turning back now, and somehow i love it. Anyhoo tomorrow i would be skipping school for an appointment at SGH. I dont really feel like talking to anyone except you though. The upside, however, is that i get excused from NAPFA tests tomorrow. I told Alvin i would be giving him my famous chewy brownies in school tomorrow too. Hagagagaga psyche! Im hitting dad's gym again today to work some extra baggage off. Gonna do this pretty regularly now since holidays are coming and i already lost some weight so its gna be easier to bring sexy back. Haha lol rofl lmao -.- My waist is bruised because of elmmy. Help! TOP OF PAGE
Monday, May 25, 2009
3:04 PM  I skipped school today because i woke up seeing my little sister still in bed, so i figured i'd go on and be lazy too. Talk about Monday Blues. And this afternoon i realized its exactly 6 months it's going to be my birthday. I know, its 6 months, but i wonder who'd still be around and who wouldn't. Its weird. Last year i had the most amazing surprise celebration with some of the most loved people in my life. My closest friends. And now i barely talk to some of them anymore. On the other hand, however, i grew closer to a handful though. Its funny. People, things change everyday. None of us can do anything about it. I wonder who'd still be around. So much for forever. I've been losing track of things recently. Alot of things. Even time. The nights feel like they get a little longer everyday. Whats going on? Anyway, ..... ..... ok fuck i forgot what i was going to type about lalalalalallaalaaaaaaa. TOP OF PAGE
Saturday, May 23, 2009
11:49 PM To whoever who forgot me, you are a degenerate person, I blame you for humankind's regression into the darkness of ignorant slothfulness. Even as our eyes are closed, there’s a whole world that lives outside ourselves and our dreams. I dont know why i feel lifeless other than the times i spend with you. Theres just so much i cant handle and you keep them away from me whenever youre around, like youre protecting me from the monsters and nightmares when i go to sleep at night. Stay. TOP OF PAGE
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
5:37 PMwhy doesn't the fact that i could die from this scare me? anti depressants? FUCK THAT. psycho. bipolar. psycho. bipolar. crazy. depressed. crazy. depressed. i am neither. TOP OF PAGE
Monday, May 18, 2009
1:34 PM Have Heart Have Heart Have Heart Awesome Awesome Awesome Awesome!!!! 17 May 2009 was fucking awesome. If i were given the gift to turn back time, i'd turn back time to yesterday. No fucking doubt. Okay so there were the ups and downs of the day but it all summed up to a supersized UP! Haha whatever that meant! Oh i got my camera back from Apit but i snapped zero pictures in the gig. I was lazy to carry around the camera, all i really wanted to do was just have fun. I took pictures of Ashikin and her siblings though. They're all so nice! Pleasure talking to you guys (: When i get pictures from Syed and some others, i'll upload them for sure. Especially the picture with me and Elmmy hahahahaah yay Elmmy!!! My buttocks are sore are sore and my whole body aches. I have bruises on my hips and butt and arm and some scratches. It was all worth it HAHA. If you read Julz' blog, you would know why my buttocks are sore. If you dont, well, it was because, lets just say i have an iron butt and i broke a door twice. Yes with my butt. Yes, twice. Stop laughing. Eh Julz you still havent massaged my ass sia walau cheat my feelings only this girl. HAHA. Hmm and yeah i fell when i got pulled in to the circle pit and i think i ran too fast or tripped on my own foot or something but i know the floor was slippery so i fell, somewhere near where Hakim was standing. HE LAUGHED SO LOUDLY WHEN I FINALLY STOOD UP. Paisey much?! I realised Julz fell too when we were walking back to where we stood initially. Hahaha jiwe! I still dont know who helped me up but whoever you are, thank you! I know Aidil helped, thank you Aidil. Elmmy crowdsurfed too near to me and his leg slapped my face thrice. It was two times that hurt. Haha i think your foot hates me. Chop it off and feed it to the zombie hamsters! Oh wait, shit i have to post this although i feel like gagging at this yucky memory of the day. During Have Heart's set, during the last song, there was this singalong, and i got to the front la singing along and then this VERY tall angmoh guy wearing singlet and he had BUSHY armpits was beside me. Unfortunately his armpit got too close to my face. Impact! *slow motion icky face* Fuck. I washed my face soon after. Oh the horror. Yesterday was beyond awesome and it started from 1.08 am hahahaha i know you know we know Elmmy hahaha. I'd definitely remember this. PLUS~ Today, exams are officially over, fenito. Im going out to celebrate hahahahahaha isap but okay gig at f.a.d. yay! Labels: ilye TOP OF PAGE
Sunday, May 17, 2009
1:10 PM so here goes; well this was what you wanted anyway, wasnt it? games and promises. you couldnt finish what you started. Note to self : Nothing is permanent. -- i dont understand why you bother caring. --its not the fact of the act its the lie in your eyes. nothing you do is going to solve anything so stop trying. bet you didnt see this coming the night everything changed. im sorry im not sorry at all. i'll be fine, dont worry. just be there when i wake up. -- >>>Today's Have Heart and i feel sick but im at the same time verrrrry excited!!! Gotta get hyper gotta get hyper gotta get hyper im gonna enjoy the fuck out of myself wuuhuuu happykid yaay! TOP OF PAGE
Thursday, May 14, 2009
2:56 PM “ I looked for an answer to my question. But reason could not give me an answer - reason is incommensurable with the question. Life itself has given me the answer, in my knowledge of what is good and bad. And that knowledge I did not acquire in any way; it was given to me as to everybody, given because I could not take it from anywherep.s i need you now so w h e r e a r e y o u. TOP OF PAGE
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
3:58 PM but i will never stop no amount of therapy or counseling or screams or slaps would stop this its eating me up hell yeah eats eating me up and soon there wont be any of me left. im sorry. haha not really. bipolar bipolar azimah is bipolar. i cant see the exits. i feel like shit. -- I know yesterday i did a little crappy. I didnt finish the last paragraph of my second essay. Ah well. Bio went okay today. I dont think im going to get A1 this time round but whatever i dont really care. Tomorrow's E Math paper 2. Friday's literature and i hate literature because of Ms Deepa so why bother! The bottomline is : im psyched for Have Heart. (insert schoolgirl shrieks) I did a series of good deeds today. I taught some of my friends about some Bio stuffs to help them understand even when it meant i had to wake up earlier than everyone else. I offered an old lady a seat in the bus and that made her smile. Her smile made me smile. Lol joy from strangers. Oh yeah and i got off the bus a stop early and walked with my sister home when i saw her walking all aloney. Okay thats not really a good deed but it's been a long time since i walked with her. Okay i have tution later and afterwards meeting up with the furry rodent again for help with E Math revisions. I missed 90210 again last night. Fuck. Now im pissed. -- Honey cut me a new smile I cant decide on things lately But atleast just stay for awhile I'll be okay soon, just maybe. TOP OF PAGE
Monday, May 11, 2009
10:05 AMfor once, could you stop forcing bullshit down my throat??? could you could you could you could you???? give me a break. kitkat! TOP OF PAGE
Saturday, May 9, 2009
3:34 PM  Yesterday was weird but fun.it was fun because it was weird. Ange and I saw trannies and two dudes kissing and weird looking dudes and hot models with weird hair and there was this guy with eyeliner on who came up to us thinking we were uhm very much older. Earlier in the day a guy entered the train holding only a clipboard with one piece of paper on it and he was drawing weird cartoons while walking around the train when there were seats. He had weird solid hair. And later in the day a weird old man was looking at me weirdly and it creeped me out goddamnit. Cootiesssss~ Hmm i have no plans today but i maybe meeting a furry rodent later at night hahahahahaha shh. Bio's on tuesday and im still going out wooohoooo i have a life unlike you people hahaha not rly. -- okay i need to lose more weight cause its killing me that people think i look the same as last time arggggh. and the only ones saying i lost weight are my parents and schoolmates because maybe theyre just being nice cause theyve seen the fcking scars and know about the counselling sessions hahaha ohmygaaaad they must think im a tormented soul lolzz emozx. isap pls thx bye. ughhh thirsty omg im craving for yoghurt and hugs! (takde link bodooooooooh) hehe moodswing (: |: ): TOP OF PAGE
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
11:11 PM Still, there was something so strange and tender about those nights when i just sat with him, my arms around him, wondering what happened that brought him here, why i needed him so much. It reminded me of the peace of mind that comes from knowing someone is so close while you sleep that the worst of the monsters and nightmares can't get to you. Maybe i just had to get away. Get away from all the monsters. The nightmares. We would stay that way until it got a little too late. I'd kiss him goodnight. When i got home I went back to my own bed feeling warm and content. I'd close my eyes, alone in my room, remembering him breathing and wonder who he saw, or found, in dreamland.TOP OF PAGE
3:31 PM
Today was okay. Just a plain, mediocre, okay. I pretty much screwed up the SS paper. I did my essay first cause i was afraid of forgetting stuff but i wrote really slow. I didnt get to finish my source-based questions. But i guess its okay. As for Math, I got to do MOST of the questions. Pretty okay I guess. When am i going to do better than okay? zzzzzzzzzzzt Chem paper's tomorrow. Bummer. What happened this morning before i left for school completely silenced me. What the hell am i doing? Im pretty sure i can get through this, i just dont know how. Im sorry mama. And im suddenly feeling the desperate urge to slip into a deep trance and be completely unaware of anything else, if you know what i mean. Hahaha damn i still remember how pathetic i was when it came to dealing with shit. But no. Not now. Not ever. Never again. I have better things to do and i promised. I know they say promises were meant to be broken but if i broke this one i wouldnt have the chance to tell you im sorry cause youre gone. -- Frolick is awesome, who doesnt know about Frolick, go try some, you'll fall in loooooove. Frozen Yoghurt is the current sex. TOP OF PAGE
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
4:24 PM
its been a few weeks. Just a little cut? TOP OF PAGE
1:44 PM im pretty content that my language papers were doable and i think, i really think i improved. perhaps i did. maybe i didn't. oh well time will tell. then again, like i said im not expecting anything at all cause that way i wouldn't be disappointed if i didn't do as well or failed as badly as i thought. hmm and tomorrow i'll have SS and E Math paper 1 so wish me luck. and i really need time to chill or watch a movie or something cause of _________. haha i should stop doing the fill in the blanks thingies its probably getting annoying for you guys but what the hell im enjoying this so haha okay wuuhuuu. i need footwear and a new skirt and pants or a belt cause all my pants are freaking loose and underwear i swear banglas are stealing em again and an atm card lol i keep my money in a freaking envelope for god's sake wtf! not even a piggy bank...... an envelope. -.- nyeaaaaah losing it losing everything please dont fall apart all at once stay together for the kids!!!! TOP OF PAGE
Sunday, May 3, 2009
12:03 AM mmmmmmmmmm yummyyyy~~~ mine mine mine mine mine mine!TOP OF PAGE
Saturday, May 2, 2009
4:49 AM  Im sorry if i got all quiet at the time and that i lied that nothing was on my mind and then you fell asleep on my lap. But actually i needed to say some stuff and all i really wanted to say was ______________. And if _________________ and _____________. So its really hard to think when ________________________. Cause at the end of the day __________________ and _________________. But i just cant _________________. Its like im _______________. I just hope youre ______________ and that ___________ because ____________. Im sorry, im just a little __________________. Its just hard when ______________. And i really do _______. I'll _____________. It isnt ______________ right? I dont want to _______________ cause im really afraid of ____________. Ah well, but _______________ and yeah ____________ but everything ___________. Yeeeeaaaah I should stop. I hope i see you soon hun ♥ (lol fill in the blanks sendiri. :P ) p.s. do not open the envelope until your birthday, i trust you. p.p.s. i never done this for anyone at all so help me make this work okay? p.p.p.s. mcm sweet kan HAHA. oh and lol picture not related to anything i type here rly i just like em hahaha. TOP OF PAGE |
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