This morning i got out of bed and walked around the house feeling all dizzy and the next thing i knew i was on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

There was this emptiness in my head, there was nothing. Did i pass out, because for a moment, i wasnt actually thinking of anything at all? Did the voices in my head finally stop screaming for a while?

But as i laid there, there was this silence, almost deafening.
Just as i closed my eyes to savour the moment, they start screaming again.
The silence was temporary.

I think ive fallen into a semiconscious dreamland where nothing is quite real.
What's in front of me is never what it seems.

For so long i've been watching everything go by, watching everything change, searching for the answers to so many questions unanswered.
Why do people stay alive? Why do people die? Why do people fall in love? Why do people fall out of it? Why do people dream?

For so long I've been distracted with the refusal to accept the world as unfaltering reality.
My first habit was blinking so rapidly, my vision of the world became an unlivable wash of colour, a divine creature's hand smearing perfect images into smudges.
An effort to convince myself nothing is permanent.

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
So should we want nothing because we're desperately wanting everything?

Every time everything goes terribly wrong and i panic, it builds like a fist closing around my neck and i'd try to shake myself awake, heart beating, only to go back and pick up in the same place, again.

I dont really know what i want right now.
Whats the use of trying when you know in the end everythings going to fall apart anyway?
Hell, but we're all only given one life to live.
Might as well bite the bullet and go on with it.

God all i ask for is for some light as to where i should go from here.
Everything's so dark, nothing's going quite right.

Then again, life was never about smiles.

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