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im azimah. im fifteen. im not really anything at all, but i try my best to get up and go. okay and this blog's pretty depressing. articulate links Myspace Multiply Ajie Berg Elmmy♥ Farhan Fhamy Hanes Julz Mondre Naem Nerd Raudhah Ryemie Sakina Sofie backtrack March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 |
Thursday, April 30, 2009
5:57 PM "Close your eyes, and imagine.." then he leaned in and kissed my lips. Soft, gentle. Time stopped. I start to fall. We talked under the stars until the next day. -- And I don't know if I'm being foolish, don't know if I'm being wise But there's something that I must believe in And it's there when I look into your eyes And I don't know if you're an illusion, don't know if all i see is true But you're something that I must believe in And you're there when I reach out for you. p.s. i miss you. TOP OF PAGE
Monday, April 27, 2009
3:55 PM im going on hiatus. this would be the last post for a few weeks. mid years start next week and im in trouble. i have to have to have to have to have to pass my math or else i'll retain. i can do this! i miss my friends. things are changing. i hate this but nyehhhhh. but right now i have to focus. k go azimah go! persevere! commit! sighhhhhhhh the stars leave me for morning! TOP OF PAGE
12:00 AM fucking talk to me im fucking clueless what the fuck is going on i dont fucking understand this is making me mad and confused and smad and what the fuck i dont need this now cause all i really wanted to say was i missed you and i miss talking to you like we used to like nothing ever happened like i never told you what i told you fucking talk to me im fucking clueless what the fuck is going on i dont fucking understand this is making me mad and confused and smad and what the fuck i dont need this now cause all i really wanted to say was i missed you and i miss talking to you like we used to like nothing ever happened like i never told you what i told you fucking talk to me im fucking clueless what the fuck is going on i dont fucking understand this is making me mad and confused and smad and what the fuck i dont need this now cause all i really wanted to say was i missed you and i miss talking to you like we used to like nothing ever happened like i never told you what i told you fucking talk to me im fucking clueless what the fuck is going on i dont fucking understand this is making me mad and confused and smad and what the fuck i dont need this now cause all i really wanted to say was i missed you and i miss talking to you like we used to like nothing ever happened like i never told you what i told you fucking talk to me im fucking clueless what the fuck is going on i dont fucking understand this is making me mad and confused and smad and what the fuck i dont need this now cause all i really wanted to say was i missed you and i miss talking to you like we used to like nothing ever happened like i never told you what i told you fucking talk to me im fucking clueless what the fuck is going on i dont fucking understand this is making me mad and confused and smad and what the fuck i dont need this now cause all i really wanted to say was i missed you and i miss talking to you like we used to like nothing ever happened like i never told you what i told you!!!!!!!!!!!i was afraid this was going to happen. dont tell me im gna lose another friend. pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase ): TOP OF PAGE
Friday, April 24, 2009
3:11 PM i would suffocate you with kisses only if you wouldnt die.im not kidding this time. TOP OF PAGE
2:35 PMwhy do i even bother caring what happens next. you're doing the same shit all over again. you were right, you never changed. ever. you still dont care. -- korat/manx/moobman i miss you. TOP OF PAGE
Thursday, April 23, 2009
4:49 PM im tired. my head's swooning. i took too much medicine. by-fucking-accident. so don't get the wrong ideas. i don't know what subject to start studying on. i have like three tests tomorrow. mid years are coming in two weeks. two goddamn weeks. God, give me more time. appointment at the hospital would have to be changed because of the stupid exams. and i don't think they're giving me a chance for the trip. i knew it all along. complete bullshit. and i still dont know how ive changed. im sorry if i disappointed you. im pissed. dont bother. TOP OF PAGE
Monday, April 20, 2009
4:45 PM okay so maybe i shouldnt have deleted posts when i got frustrated.now i feel like reading the posts from 2007 but theyre all gone! ah well. let it goooo! damn i need a popsickle. TOP OF PAGE
Sunday, April 19, 2009
1:59 PMwe have so little left. TOP OF PAGE
Saturday, April 18, 2009
11:43 AM This morning i got out of bed and walked around the house feeling all dizzy and the next thing i knew i was on the floor, staring at the ceiling. There was this emptiness in my head, there was nothing. Did i pass out, because for a moment, i wasnt actually thinking of anything at all? Did the voices in my head finally stop screaming for a while? But as i laid there, there was this silence, almost deafening. Just as i closed my eyes to savour the moment, they start screaming again. The silence was temporary. I think ive fallen into a semiconscious dreamland where nothing is quite real. What's in front of me is never what it seems. For so long i've been watching everything go by, watching everything change, searching for the answers to so many questions unanswered. Why do people stay alive? Why do people die? Why do people fall in love? Why do people fall out of it? Why do people dream? For so long I've been distracted with the refusal to accept the world as unfaltering reality. My first habit was blinking so rapidly, my vision of the world became an unlivable wash of colour, a divine creature's hand smearing perfect images into smudges. An effort to convince myself nothing is permanent. Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing. So should we want nothing because we're desperately wanting everything? Every time everything goes terribly wrong and i panic, it builds like a fist closing around my neck and i'd try to shake myself awake, heart beating, only to go back and pick up in the same place, again. I dont really know what i want right now. Whats the use of trying when you know in the end everythings going to fall apart anyway? Hell, but we're all only given one life to live. Might as well bite the bullet and go on with it. God all i ask for is for some light as to where i should go from here. Everything's so dark, nothing's going quite right. Then again, life was never about smiles. TOP OF PAGE
Thursday, April 16, 2009
3:28 PM ):i have to calm down. i hate this and i hate crying. how could they, how could they not have listed my name down there! why! why the fuck!? im a pure literature student who's in english drama club with okay english results and i behave and the interview went well, and they gave me hints that i was going! so why? cause ive been going for counseling cause i cant deal with problems at home very well??? cause i have fucking problems, and everyone else who gets to go is happy??? cause you guys think i dont really want this and that i wouldnt care if i got to go to UK or not?? goddamnit this doesnt make sense!!! everytime, every single fucking time i get my hopes up and want something so bad, I END UP CRUSHED. so i was right. feelings do hurt you. and if you want something so bad and look forward to it so much, it'll never be as good as you thought. never ever ever ever ever! lalalalaaaaa nothing is turning out the way i want it to be~~~~ whats happeninggggggggg -- so sweetie make it all go away fly me to Pluto again. TOP OF PAGE
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
10:23 PM  Yesterday, syf went well. it was pretty good and we didnt go over the time limit for our play. right now we're hoping for the best and expecting the worst. some of us went all-out to the best of our abilities, and some of us could have done better. but whatever, THANK GOD ITS OVER! its so retarded how we have to wait 2 - 3 weeks for the results. oh foooooooooooo~ today i wasnt quite azimah in school and i dont know why. i couldnt do a single question in the math test. instead, i slept through the paper. and the midyears are coming and im still fucking lazy. wake up wake up wake up! i need to start revising. so tomorrow i should go to starbucks and study for thursday's chemistry test! damn son, this post is really boring and its probably cause i feel like poop now so well, im sorry if you got bored or if im not interesting anymore and i dont care whether any of you read this wretched blog anymore cause honestly im just really tiredddd. TOP OF PAGE
Friday, April 10, 2009
2:06 PM  (photographs taken by Anxx ♥ )i am never wise with other people, unless they dig deep and capture my heart. i am never gloomy, i am never cruel. though often i would like to be, it is my impossibility. sometimes i think i should just dip my head under the waters of depression, and not surface until somebody fishes me out, pale and bloated and cadaverous. but the king calls, and you dab your body dry on your journey back to the court, turning your black tears into tears of laughter. hahaha, i feel loopy. its two in the afternoon but it feels like seven in the evening. i was up all night drawing in my book, when i should have been going through my nocturnal science revision. fuck that. i've been making the most exquisite spelling mistakes this morning. i remember laying in bed too, staring at the ceiling until my eyes lost focus, only half thinking: if i gave up now and just stoned, i don't think i'd even notice myself growing older. i felt positively kinky in my black laced bra and undies this morning. um, actually, i didnt feel much else but kinky. i almost cried because i thought i'd lost my feelings for a while. then i ate an egg and slept with my head on the kitchen table for about thirty seconds and remembered that i did have substance, it will probably just be static for a while. well, honestly, i'm just tired. just tired of keeping a stiff upper lip and being the lively, innovative, upbeat one, who has to radiate all of this synthetic joy and sympathy. all the fucking time. its laborious. it might preserve my mood and my aquaintances, but god knows what it saps from me. i'm not really anything at all but try hard and get up and go. sometimes i think i ought to let everyone down, just so that i can show them my naked soul. and today i'll be going to Pluto to watch amazing stars. TOP OF PAGE
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
10:02 PM  im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle im not a sad turtle but maybe i am but i dont really know cause i cant make up my mind!!!!! woohoo i get off lessons early tomorrow because i get excused for drama rehearsals which stretch to about 5.30 and i have no fucking idea how im going to reach toa payoh by 5.45 for live and fucking loaded so i dont know if im going tomorrow. no fucking way am i going there in school uniform. what the hell lor. friday im excited friday im excited friday im excited cause i have no school and no drama no school and no drama no school and no drama and i have a new tutor who's pretty amazing but im a little more amazing so we are amazing people who live in a sad sad world! and then saturday i have drama again, the last drama rehearsal before monday, competition day. hopefully i end a little early so i can catch this gig and meet my friends i miss a whole lot and when i say alot i mean ALOT. sayang koraaaaaaaaaaangggg. uhhuhh and im craving for icecream and/or popsickle, you know the traffic light juicy popsickle i can never eat properly cause it melts all over my hand and i'd have to lick my palm and everything. and after that my lips would be all swollen and red cause the popsickle's really cold but of course because it wouldnt make sense if a popsickle was hot cause it would mean hot popsickle juice and i dont know if the world has any of that. maybe i should try. oh and im going to pierce something soon, i mean it! after syf, saaaaaaaap! TOP OF PAGE
8:57 PM Im finding it incredibly hard to look at them in the eye. There's so much concern in their faces it hurts me to look. "Why aren't you happy anymore, Azimah?" she asks plaintively. I couldnt speak because my throat had filled with tears. How pathetic Azimaggggggg!!! stop it. okay azimah. TOP OF PAGE
Saturday, April 4, 2009
10:25 PM lol so yesterday i was fine.today uhm not really, i dont know! maybe cause a facebook quiz said i was spicy poop. ahahahaha spicy poop with little red things in it. and another one said my parents should have named me Annie. puke now 321! okay so this girl, she annoyed me today, she was stubborn and i dont like stubborn people. not one bit, no sir. it ticks me off like when you wanna poke the last fishball with a fork and then it keeps rolling everywhere and then it slips off your plate and then you dont get to eat the fishball cause now its probably fcking contaminated! and i realised that noone really is kind hearted and nice and shit everyones a fcking hypocrite even me! i wanted to go out today and yesterday but shit happens and shit did happen so everything was kinda shitty~ but thank god im going out tomorrow woohuuwoootutututu. but lets all hold hands and pray i dont get lost in wdlnds. wdlnds is weird. ooh maybe i can meet hanes :O ! okay i need sleep. and new pictures. damnit and lose more weight. 8 kilos aint enough fomo~~~ TOP OF PAGE
Friday, April 3, 2009
8:17 PM i have; no reason to be sad, no reason to be mad, no reason to be depressed about, for now. cause i dont feel a thing. im just so tired. ___ oh yeah by the way theres a really high possibility of me really going to the UK. the interview went well and i feel all wiggly and so excited about it. UK baby, YOU the KAY. -.- my SYF's on the 13th and hopefully our hardwork would pay off. we've put blood, sweat and everything into this. gold with honours please! hummanah hummanah so yeah ive been busy with Drama and school and some shit at home so i havent been updating much. im losing faith in almost everything because almost everything is losing faith in me and i can feel this happening its like the life in me is being taken out slowly. haha how pathetic why do you do this azimah why! i need Shai's happy pills. chill, theyre strepsils with happy faces drawn on the bubble thingies. so cute. and hell yeah you're exactly what i thought you were! surprise, surprise. im not counting on you to make me feel better anymore. i make myself happy. i buy myself icecream. paddlepop! TOP OF PAGE
12:00 AM (HAHAHA gambar legend. Take care uh rambut ahahha.)HAPPY BIRTHDAY AZRIIIII/AJIEEEE!!!♥ Yeahhh ive been saving this picture up for a long time for this birthday of this special friend of mine. Hahaha so cute lor dont you think. xD Okay Ajie, thanks for being there when i needed someone to talk to and for always understanding when i do stupid things. Although sometimes i feel like biting your head off cause your ways of trying to make me feel better, i always end up cracking up to your little random jokes and stuff. You've been like a brother to me eventhough ive known you for only about a year or more(Siasia anak azmi lol). We've had our ups and downs and highs and lows but youre still bobopopajie! Have fun on your birthday okay, mambo. I will mail Lilly Allen to you together with Mary Kate Olsen to your doorstep okay Ajie, first thing in the morning. (isap!) Haha uggh i could go on and on talking about you but i have to stop because i would seem psycho. So once again, Happy 19th Birthday Ajie, ily! Everyone does! ♥ TOP OF PAGE |
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